So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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