Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
