Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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