I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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