I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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