found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
