My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
