He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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