I think my fart just growled at me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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