I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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