Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
