I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
