i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
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