Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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