just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
