I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
