When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
