Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
