I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
