I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
