well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
