I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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