I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
