I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
