I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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