Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I FOUND THE LEGS
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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