i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
