Christians are straight up FREAKS
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
