the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
