I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
