Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
