my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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