I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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