So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
