you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Girls should come with a carfax report
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
