Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
