you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
