i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
