I think my fart just growled at me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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