woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
