Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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