I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
