i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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