Michael Bay diarrhea
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
