I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
