I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
