My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
