i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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