whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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