She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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